Hey my friends! As always, my apologies for the delay in my posting, but life is always keeping me busy. Yall know im in the middle of home repair, we just had spring break so the kids were out, the weather is changing so I have been trying to adjust my surroundings in accordance with it. I will be so glad when these people finish their work on my home. Its nervewracking, but im grateful for the help to fix the things that I know I wasnt about to do alone. I have put the majority of the things back into my home out of my garage and I put the car back in the garage so thats a plus. Ive also been working in my yard. Its garden time yall! Im so proud of myself for starting early and maintaining it all. II planted a good bit but i have more that Id like to get out there too. So far, I have tomatos, bell peppers, onions, peas, bush beans, zuchinni, pumpkins, cucumbers, watermelon, strawberries and raspberries. I planted spinach but it hasnt sprouted yet. My cats killed a bunch of my tomato plants because they think my pot is a litter box. Ugh, they work my nerves sometimes. So Im fighting daily. I wanna try my hand at carrots and radishes and maybe potatos and my squash too. ill try to get it together this weekend.
Its been a struggle to follow thru with things lately. I dunno whats wrong with me. I love gardening and I love baking and I love home improvement, I just cant seem to push myself to get my shit together and get back in the swing of doing things regularly. Theres a big mental block going on lately. I have to figure out how to get past it. As for my healthier living journey, thats fallen to the wayside as well and I know I desperately need to get that back on track, because my body hurts. Ive been struggling with keeping the weight off. I lose a few pounds and im doing good then here comes some mess and there goes the weight right back on. I stopped working out and I dont even walk the dog like I should. My knee has been giving me some problems lately. For the last three weeks its been swollen, sore and stiff. I know I have arthritis, but im not sure why its so bad as of lately. two weeks ago it swelled up so bad I could barely move it and ended up taking a whole week off to try and rest it and get it down. i was doing good up until two days ago when the swelling started to increase again and the pain is coming back. SO im going to see my orthopedic doctor next week. I swear I have been in that office more than ive been in my primary physicians office. Im too young for this mess. I desperately need to get my shit together.
On another note, theres some other interesting things going on in my life. Im detoxing myself of toxic people and baggage as usual. I deleted a lot of old contacts and pictures and messages and mess. I realize Im always holding onto a lot of things, but then I have to ask myself, for what? I think its a fear of being alone and lonely and without. Its crazy tho, because a lot of the time I dont wanna be bothered and Im sooooo done with some of these people, so why do i hold on to their numbers and whatnot? I really need to ask myself, what purpose does this serve in my life? I realized its because I always feel like I need to have options. I had a really deep conversation with a guy a little while ago and a few days after the conversation, I realized I am guilty of the same shitty behavior I was letting him know I didnt like. I know youre like ok, what behavior? OH, let me explain. SO, yall know I did the online dating thing some years ago…almost 10 to be exact, and I met a good deal of guys. (dont judge me) Anyways, a handful of them were really kool individuals but for some reason, at the time, we just didnt have the connection that I was looking for. (what I thought I was looking for) But instead of letting them all go, I have kept a handful of them as “friends” so when im lonely or bored or whatever, I have someone to call or text or chat and laugh with to pass the time. And in between shitty relationships and breakups or whatever, I know I can call on said individuals to make me feel better. Theres always the pointless flirting that serves as just enough attention to fill my meter and keep me out of the depression zone. And theres always the possibilty of possibly a decent hook up every here ang again when needed. (again, dont judge) SO long story short, this guy, who I thought was super kool, had gotten married and we stopped chatting. Well hes all of the sudden resurfaced, divorced and wanting to reconnect with me. Im feeling like, who the hell wants to be picked over and then picked when the shit you thought you wanted falls thru? It was not a good feeling and I told him. He appologized and moved on from it. A few days later, as i was rereading the messages (cause im an overthinker) I was like dude, I need to stop, cause im doing the same shit. I looked in my phone and im like I have a backup plan (man), and a backup plan (man) for my backup plan (man) and a few more potential candidates waiting on the bench. The only problem is, most of these men I have dated or talked to and they all had flaws in some way, so why was I holding on to them? They dont have the qualities I need to be a man guy. They are merely there to hold a space and keep me feeling “special” enough to stay sane in my hectic life. Thats terrible. It gives narcissitic traits to me and I dont like not one bit of it. So we are purging. I believe that being able to recognize your weaknesses and flaws is growth. Fixing these problems is growth. Letting go of childish/user behavior in hopes of living a more purposeful life, is growth. Im embracing this growth and praying im able to continue to build and grow in a more positive direction. OK, its time for work. Yall be blessed and we are going to continue to work on breaking these toxic cycles together.
Health and fitness is at a halt. I stepped on the scale and it said 221lbs ugh we gonna work on it. I refuse to go out like this yall. Its a process…..We gon stay hopeful.
Dizzy's Closet 